Thursday, June 29, 2006

it should deserved a song title

John said: he has no idea with this song on the blog...but nevermind. On second thought, i thought he was hilarious, he dedicated the below song in such a few minutes..am still thinking a few times about how i should give a title for this song, this is meaningful.


Silly little me,
You've never let me down.
I never know when to say it in words.
You've never let me down.

And I'm missing you now.
Oh, I do it all the time.
I want to see you again.
Not just now but all the time!

I will lead you out of tears.
I will wash away your sorrows.
I will push away the sadness.
For the rest of tomorrows.

Silly little me.
Unable to see your signs.
I can only hold you close
And make you all of mine.

And honey don't worry about
The words that you just ate
We were meant to be under destiny
It's written down unto fate

Posted by charlene at 11:46 PM | | Comments | links to this post

the reflexivity

24 missed call, 12 call went into voicemails within a days, and now that I've total 50 missed calls from friends, colleagues and clients..arhggggggg..people i was really sick..i had food poisoning + gastritis and high fever..can you imagine i was on MC for 2 days..but then i must thank you for all my colleagues for all their help to follow up with all my clients..yeah~! i don't need to admit to the hospital, if not i'll be in the trouble..because i had a very urgent meeting to attend on Saturday. *God blessed* and i am feeling much more better now. During my sick leave, i got thinkin' about this... Silly me, i realize that I'm always comfortable to let my true self be seen, felt and suffered by people whom I love and trust unconditionally. To this handful of unfortunate souls, it's all there about me for them to bear with the good, the bad, the ugly, the evil and God knows what else. The way I see it, I can be myself to these individuals because regardless of how they may react to my shortcomings, I will always love them for who they are. Well to the rest of the unfortunate souls who know me by the act of God and probably against their will, I'm probably a little more reserved and independent, complicated, defensive, judgemental and so on, depending on how I wish to play my roles around and screw with their heads. I've had people come up to me after a few minutes of conversation telling me they feel threatened or intimidated by my confidence. I've had a professional businessman suggesting that I go into advertising instead of being an IT Consultant who socializes with a machine. You know sometimes, we all project different images, or some may call it representations, of ourselves according to situations and the people around us, to some extent in our lives. This is not news. Those who maintain that they don’t are hypocrites, but no man is faultless when it comes to hypocrisy, too. The things that make us different from one another, then, is how we choose to put ourselves forward, why do we do it the way we do and to whom do we choose to hide behind our masks. Let's me analyst it..when you let your guard down and be brutally honest to the people you love, you will be in for the ruin should they hurt you. They will, eventually. I don't believe that it's the people who love you who possess the ability to hurt you the most. I think it's the other way round. That's why faces are crucial. Life is short and there are too many people to deal with, not to mention yourself. People who react when they cannot handle certain the truth. People who refuses to admit it when you tell them they're wrong. People who stereotype. People who tell you to stop watching cooking/reality/game shows and get a life already. People who think they are the greatest beings on earth. People who tell you that you’re good but in their own private minds think with conviction that you suck. People who size you up and down you know, the once over stunt before even shaking your hand and decide which one of their own faces to put on as their game plan... my question is why put myself through potential emotional mess when I already have that few meaningful people in my life to drive me insane, angry, hopeless, bitter and cynical? Which may be the true? While I'm not bewildered, I'm not curious to find out. I'm not even sure how many faces I've got for display. Knowing myself to an extent is enough. Too much self–searching may cause potential identity and character crisis. Plus, I've got to have some fun during those times when I don't socialize with my notebook.
pain is temporary. if i quit,
it lasts forever..

Posted by charlene at 2:47 PM | | Comments | links to this post

clumsy ~song of the day

clumsy little me I　I always let you down I never have the sense enough to keep my mouth shut
I always let you down　Im falling past the line
now Oh I do it every time I say what I don't mean　my real intent's unseen I do it every time
Oh I'll let you down　now you can let me drown here in my own shameful tears
you can let me go　but I hope you know my risk is betting that　
you'll let me stay clumsy little words Thay always fall away　
and Im let just standing there you think you think that I don't care
but honey that's not and I know just what you'll do　
you'll look at me sadly as I try to compensate for the words that I just ate

Posted by charlene at 12:26 PM | | Comments | links to this post

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

handwriting

thank you, my friend. I recently got a letter from a good friend through snail mail. It came complete with handwritten address on a yellow envelope. There is a (very pretty) bookmark enclosed. Remembering the last time personal correspondence made it to my weather-battered steel mailbox by the gate is about 6 years ago. Ever since email invaded our shores, everything is said, expressed, arranged and done via this electronic technology. It has come to this: one of my uni-days girl friend successfully arranged her wedding invitations and RSVPs through e-mail; a group of my other friends constantly arrange birthday surprise parties using e-mail; and at work we hardly need to talk to our superiors/boss/enemies much because.... why risk it when we can email? The truth is, people hardly snail mail anymore. It is argued that it takes too much time and effort, but let's face it the feeling I experience when getting a tangible, real hardcopy written letter is hardly the same as what I feel when receiving an email (even if the contents are similar). Actually, I won't be able to receive the bookmark through email will I? ..ha..imagine the feeling of soldiers going to war farway from home receiving mail or packages from their loved ones, parents receiving writtings from their children studying abroad and lovers separated continents apart writing to each other to reassure love and commitment. Sure, one can shoot a few lines across the Internet.. but it is not the same, is it? So I urge you, get personal. Write to someone today. I mean pick up a pen, a nice piece of letter paper and get your a** off to the post office to stamp and mail your letter. It will make a difference in the life of that someone, and yours. if you haven't already know, i am a handwriting person, i love handwriting stuff especially when it comes to letters.. i've had personal touches...i know, i know, i am a lil weird girl right? just me. :)

Posted by charlene at 9:35 PM | | Comments | links to this post

something about malaysia


i had gastric again, terribly pain till i can't even work for the day..can't even walk..sometimes i think if there is a chance for me to work in overseas, the only 1 thing i should have worried the most is that my permanent gastric pain, i just can't get rid off the pain no matter what medicine am taking..i hate the pain really..i don't know for other people was it the same painful as mine..but i can tell, i am terribly pain..sigh....- just another thought......... Speaking of malaysia & malaysian, i met a beautiful french lady today at the same clinic as mine and i have the grace to know a particularly formidable French woman who likes it malaysia apparently. An economist and researcher with astounding knowledge and strong communication skills to boot, she left Paris a good few years ago to enjoy working in Malaysia. She goes back to Paris for short visits two or three times a year. She tells her Malaysian friends we are a great lot and she sees that we have a promising future ahead of us. She does not think we are in any way or level shortchanged compared to other nations and that the best of us can flourish here just the same. The only complain she has of this country is that its heat do not allow her to make many of the French pastries found in her homeland's patisseries. We are born here. A majority of us are raised and educated here before some of us leave to gain further knowledge and experience in foreign lands. Some of us stayed, whether out of force or personal choice; and continued to embrace local education options lacking as these are the best we can. As a result of sheer hard work and perseverance, we all turned out to be a whole new breed of young Malaysians with fiery ambitions and assertive minds. We have it all. Artists, thinkers, philosophers, scientists, researchers, writers, doctors, engineers, programmers, hackers, designers, musicians, historians; you name it; we have it. Malaysians have become a whole successful lot. The reality is, albeit sadly, that these whole lot of Malaysian who have the power, capacity and intelligence to change the country for the better are either already contributing somewhere else for good or in the process of plotting how to do so. Often, we claim we are exiled, cornered, given no choice to prove our value, provided no outlet for our talents and provisioned no real opportunities to pour out our grey innards in our heads to be of any effective use.Well, it all boils down to this. We are all just a selfish and myopic bunch who has to make it big for ourselves in our time. Screw the godforsaken country, fuck the big monies and the corrupted old school politicians who do not appreciate or even begin to comprehend what we can offer. We pack our bags, leave and do not look back, ever. Or we look back for awhile, scorn and smirk, say well, it is your lost Malaysia. We blame everyone else but our sad little selves who cannot see further than one generation and a few decades. It is easier this way is it not? Do we ever look back and remember that countries like China, Japan, America, the UK and others are not made to be what they are today over a few years or even decades? It takes time, a few civil wars back then, more than a couple of costly revolutions, death and sacrifices of many individuals and ongoing persistence to create a country where the jewels of knowledge, history, arts and sciences are valued over immediate and tangible material riches. Malaysia has it all. What we need is for the best of its people to make things happen, to change what needs to be changed and to turn it around if need be. Easier said than done it is, yes. In the words of a friend I talked this over coffee with, "Talk is cheap." Definitely. To be able to make changes in a country, just as it is in a company, we have to have the right management. If we do not, we get a new boss If we cannot get a new boss with quite the same wavelength as us, we work ourselves up to be our own boss eventually. And why can we not? Politicians are human beings. A generation of them will grow old and one day ceases to control us with their crap. They and their cronies will not stay in power forever if enough of us do not allow them. Do we not see that the countries we all runaway to have professionals giving themselves up to public service and governments which are formed by people like you and I? So there, this is what we all think but dare not admit. We can all worry only of our pathetic selves and want everything to happen for just us, no matter if this country remains the same for as long as our children and their children after that lives.

Posted by charlene at 8:17 PM | | Comments | links to this post

Monday, June 26, 2006

twenty two

春天是他最爱的季节当微风随意吹乱他的头发 他并不在意身边世界的吵杂只想著自己生命中的变化
还有十五分钟才午休 从早到晚没有想像中那么好过
安定的日子不一定就是幸福 忘不掉他在心里做过的梦
他今年农历三月六号刚满二十二 刚甩掉课本要离开家看看这世界
却发现许多烦恼要面对oh yeah 他常会想望能回到那年他一十二
只需要好好上学生活单纯没忧愁
他就像一朵蓓蕾满怀希望 秋天是忽然间就来临 青春虽然有本钱可以洒脱
一场恋爱二十二个月就结束 才知道有些感情不值得赌
九月天气还是有点热他想公车 再不来就走一走路 他开始明白等待未必有结果
一个人也能走上梦的旅途 他今年农历三月六号刚满二十二 刚甩掉课本要离开家看看这世界
却发现许多烦恼要面对oh yeah 他常会想望能回到那年他一十二
只需要好好上学生活单纯 没忧愁他一直满怀希望人生 偶尔会走上一条陌路
像是没有指标的地图 别让他们说你该知足只有你知道什么是你的幸福
他常会想望能回到那年他一十二 只需要好好上学生活单纯没忧愁
他笑著想过未来oh 他应该得到幸福如此的简单的梦有没有实现

this is absolutely meaningful, you'll feel it if you can understands it...;)


Posted by charlene at 10:46 PM | | Comments | links to this post

it hits me





yeah, am back~! i am still anticipating to view for all the photos from the merchandizer..i can't wait. alright. i had make known to one of the hotchicks (who was on duty with me), SS (with caps on the above) yesterday, and we question and answer, apparently we had so much things to share, definitely not a girly talks or something..it just made a good kind of conversation and thoughts..so, to put it precisely, there are times i wonder am I a good person? I struggle with this question all the time. I'm not even sure why it's important to me. But it is. I'd like to know that I'm a good person. I don't think I do anything that would put me in the bad-evil category though...i am beginning to think..

it hits me because i wonder why does one have to be good anyway? I dunno. And what makes a good person anyway? I try to be honest and truthful. But I may still lie, not to harm people but to get out of situations. Small white lies, they call them. I try to help people when I can. I'll even donate money now and then.

me definitely want to be in the good category. Does being honest make me good? Do I have to help people? How much? Do I have to live simply and/or modestly? Is it okay for me to eat and drink well when I know there are people in the world who don't get anything to eat? It surely doesn't help them, right? Or do I have to send money to charities that would provide them with food as well as live modestly? How often? Does a donation I made a year ago cover me still? Does it make me a bad person if I claim it as a tax deduction?

don't get me wrong or anything like that, what about alcohol and sex? Are threesomes okay? Do we get classified in 'good' or 'bad' based on our sex life? What about pornography? How does that figure in? And what about sex-for-money? Is it okay to pay for it? Or give it for money?

my question is what are the rules here? We need a code. methinks Hammurabi's code is the oldest. In any case, it's probably the oldest written code. You know Hammurabi, right? King of Babylon? Anyway, I suppose that's where religion comes in. Codes. Religions provide a code to make it easy. But the problem with religious codes is that we can't determine which is the truly divinely given one. so do we make our own code? A secular code? Hmm... this leads us into sociological mores and all. Hmm... interesting. Why does it have to be so complicated? Wouldn't it be much easier if we could be told everything namely who created us and what he, she or it wants us to do. Give us proof of ownership and a book of rules.
and what about cursing/swearing? I
swear. I swear
all the time, so does that make me lose points? Yes?

Posted by charlene at 9:00 PM | | Comments | links to this post

Saturday, June 24, 2006

different thought


i find it very nice indeed. My colleague, Samuel from other branches sms-ed me today while i was on my way back from sg. Guess what?! he asked me to play a blood type test where he actually found out from a game site..alas, people who know me, i love to play game and all pyschological testing..the test talked about what type of person are you depending on your blood group..hehe, i haven't try that out, obviously i really have no idea what would be the type of person i am..btw, my blood group is O positive~! anyone similar to mine? sounds interesting, will try out later. Anyways, people come and go, now that my lovely 2 charlie angel's, Willie & Anitha has left the company for better futures considering am sad + lonely, on the other hand am way too happy for them for their future undertakings. I still remembered there are times we work like mad, crazy like hell, at the end of the night after work, we will gathered together for dinner and we talked non stop..i miss that. You can't ever recover when a significant part of your life is cut away. Sometimes, you try to, and pretend that things are ok, when they are not. Or maybe they're actually ok, but it doesn't really feel like it. Anyway it goes, it's self delusion.

alright. another thought all in all. In fact, i met my highschool mate in the middle of the road today, and we had a cuppa latte and had a great conversation a little bit here and there..we talked about education~! you know what's bout a degree? a degree is a means of measurement of an individual's academic qualifications. It is just that and nothing more. By holding on to that definition, a degree holder does not necessarily possess stronger professional skills than a non-degree holder because these can only be acquired through practical experience in the working world. I always believe that once one comes out to the job market, one starts at the bottom rung of the career ladder just as everyone else. Only excellent performance, sheer hardworking persistance, sound communication skills and strong ambitions may propel a person steadily further up. The significance of a degree has changed over time yet is does not mean everything. My questions is, is having a degree is a huge thing?

however, this is so simply because then the standards of admission and scoring were much higher and it was very, very difficult to enter respectable local universities. Fast forward to the present, many high school finishers just cruise into a degree program without much difficulty. There are many options and I have to say some of the admission requirements at certain institutions, especially my own country in Malaysia are laughable. Local universities are no longer a popular choice as there are many private colleges with more lenient qualification requirements and options for shorter degree completion semesters. The well-to-do make sure their children goes either abroad or private. A majority of local undergraduates have their entire program supported by various loans and scholarships from the government, the state or other private associations.

just another case, one of my friend was born into a poor family at a small village in Sabah. After high school and scoring a mediocre SPM grade, he went into the sixth form, a very rare choice for a Malay student. He told me there was no motivation for a kampung boy to study hard then, the teachers in his village school hardly cared if he came to class or not. He did not blame the system entirely for this but he did say I am very lucky to be in a good school. Later he went on to work as a cashier in a department store at Ipoh. That was when he discovered his interest for IT and computer systems. He took a study loan from a bank and went on to get several certificates from a local branch there. He also took MCSE classes but did not have enough money for the examination papers. After working for several years as an IT and network administrator at a stock broking branch there he moved to KL to join the headquarters. He spent every one of his working years quite penniless while repaying his study loans. Today he is a valued employee of an international computer system company which took up the outsourcing project of the financial institution of which we are both working for. He is one of the few guys out there who can handle cross platform support. He demanded for his worth of pay from his employer higher than many of his degree holder colleagues with his skills and capabilities as a foundation, without a degree.

meanwhile, i actually wanted to join Patrick and the usual suspects for the dinner tonight unfortunately, i can't make it...it's actually very interesting, was told by Soo Jin that they were going for Vietnamese food @ "Sao Nam" aka this dinner marked the 1st year anniversary~! amazingly.

one of the
worst mistake in life is to believe you have made it after graduating from
anywhere with a degree

Posted by charlene at 9:34 PM | | Comments | links to this post

Friday, June 23, 2006

peaceful.quiet.~type of song i like

我从来不曾抗拒你的魅力虽然你从来不曾对我著迷
我总是微笑的看著你我的情意总是轻易就洋溢眼底我曾经想过在寂寞的夜里
你终於在意在我的房间里
你闭上眼睛亲吻了我不说一句紧紧抱我在你怀里
我是爱你的我爱你到底生平第一次我放下矜持
任凭自己幻想一切关於我和你
你是爱我的你爱我到底
生平第一次我放下矜持
相信自己真的可以深深去爱你......
我曾经想过在寂寞的夜里 你终於在意在我的房间里
你闭上眼睛亲吻了我不说一句紧紧抱我在你怀里
我是爱你的 我爱你到底 生平第一次我放下矜持
任凭自己幻想一切关於我和你 你是爱我的你爱我到底
生平第一次我放下矜持相信自己真的可以深深去爱你深深去爱你......深深去爱你......

Posted by charlene at 9:32 PM | | Comments | links to this post

reasons

i actually got addicted by John (who stopped by my blog early June)..each one a line or two comments by him that has impressed me thus far..his words of thought are actually makes sense, his valuable comments got me thinkin' alot of things, things that i would talked about and feel about, frankly speaking, i love reading his comments. Ha~! i hereby welcomed him~!

Speaking of which, i found out that he actually do speaks mandarin, listening to mandarin song, this got me another inspirations to write something good for my bloggie and also to improve my mandarin after so many years, i thought i've lost track. Here it goes, i pen down and changed a little bit here and there, something about my thought, me, myself and I, life that will possibly happen to me so far i foresee, but i wouldn't know..so, i don't know anybody outthere who can or cannot understands what i am writing for this..but i simply love it. :)

" 你爱过的人我就会想要变成她她能做的我不怀疑能做的更多你离开的人我发誓不犯同样的错一开始我就失去了自己从开始我就不像我自己爱让我辛苦得如此快乐可是你都不了解我每个细心的女生都会有一本随身的笔记本写下为爱情做的每件事每一页都有伤痕或许我很会劝别人可是我却做不到只要是关于你我都愿意..不必怀疑你爱过的人我就会想要变成她她能给的我不怀疑能给的更多你离开的人我发誓不犯同样的错一开始我就决定属于你你的手心是我的天空你的不安是我的恶梦我放大你每一个感受..不需要..理由你一秒是我的一分钟你一步我就踏上云朵这种感觉你永远不懂只为证明你属于我 "

Posted by charlene at 8:50 PM | | Comments | links to this post

Thursday, June 22, 2006

am ordinary girl outthere~!

Wayne was right...he told me that in order to get people attention no matter what you do be it finding a career, getting que up for a movie ticket or whatever it is, you have to look outstanding..i totally agree...don't you? this was something he "skyped" me last night.. "charlene, i don't meant you are not pretty, but you have to look outstanding, attractive, professional, elegant and sophisticated in whatever you do, and i have the confident in you'll be a extra outstanding girl outthere, I said this world is realistic.".. - I strongly agree with him..go figure out why would i thought that..it's very true~! alright, another thought.....If there's anything that sucks more than a relapse. sometimes i think abt it, and i wonder, if i was only temporarily down and depressed those past couple months, or whether i was really just temporarily in a good mood and feeling gd abt myself. it's like that anology they give frequently in philosophical courses. that one day you dreamt that you were you'r really a human dreaming abt being a butterfly? or whether if you're really just a butterfly, tt has had such a damn long dream abt being human? or imagine tt one day, you find out tt everything you have grown up to believed in, or things that you remember that you have done before, turns out to be nothing more than a mere figment of your imagination? ala... it's scary. sometimes reality itself juz seems so blurry. i try to think abt something tt by right should only have happened yesterday, yet on one hand, it seems like such a distant memory, with me not being able to rem lots of details. i just… feel so damn psychotic. like i'm losing my mind, and my sanity. and deep down dark inside, i'm scared. really really scared...alright....It's kinda like reminiscent of how i go all out to achieve something. but i dun. yet others succeed. a failure on my part? i'd say yes...sometimes i just feel all the eyes of the world just peering down unto me. them whispering among themselves, fingering and pointing at me. The burden of this world seems pretty heavy. maybe it's time to give up. to give up being naive. maybe i just never was meant to go against the world. to just ditch my place in this world, and move on. but where will i go on from there? eternal life in heaven? eternal damnation in hell? or perhaps eternal nullity? i will never know, till i take that first step. but if i do, i won't be around anymore to write it here. it'll be like that story of theseus and the minotaur. before he sailed out to kill it, he promised his wife that when he sailed back, he would fly a white sail if he was alive, but fly a black one if he was dead. he survived, but the dumb fuck forgot all about it and his wife thought he died and jumped off a cliff. ..so if you see this blog idle for the next few weeks and months and years and decades and centuries and eons. i have gone on. hopefully to a better place.
think everyone would like to
believe it’s
possible to become someone different to change how people see us but
sometimes change doesn’t last for longand other times it just makes you miss
what you had… all day

Posted by charlene at 10:02 PM | | Comments | links to this post

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

those are times :)


tonight, i am incredibly happy because i managed to "skype" with wayne, denise and the family. Am so glad that i finally get in touch with them whom they are now in Dubai. Wayne was my whole time referees and he used to be my Finance manager from my last employment. We skyped alot of things, knowing that he is now having a good time, good career, good life over there..he told me the company provide him an attractive benefits, and he is now driving the new Toyota Camry and staying in the villa, earning USD..Whoa~! Wayne also invited me to be holiday in Dubai and he will bring me around, this makes me feel the warmth. I have well planned for everything, perhaps i won't be in my homeland anymore, everything is under control..i cannot imagine..Thankies wayne for your wishes, i really need you and your family to have the confident in me, i trust i can do that..believe me...my instinct is always so right..

alright. Another thought..i have always known people who find my behavior detestable, because they feel that I have a chance at what many people do not, yet still complain that it is insufficient for my needs. Alas, the answer is simple, for one does not aim for the stars, only to be content with landing on the moon. Nor does one climb with giants, and yet be satisfied without ever reaching the peak. Similarly, one does not spend years among peers who, as a whole, are purpotedly the academic elite, and yet manage to be appeased by a lacklustre result of non-achievement. You know, i must concede though, that it is obviously very much simpler for me at this point of time to set forth how my attempts at a relationship then would have been detrimental in the long run. Since I have lived through that hell before, and am obviously much wiser than before, by learning it the hard way no less. It is still, however, insufficent consolation to alleviate that constant disparaging and deprecating sense of disappointment at the back of my head.
i think it's the curse of
short-sightedness, where instant gratification overwhelms the potential of that
of an alternative course of action, which would not have been realized in the
end. Nor would there be a method to test it out either, unless someone should
one day manage to prove the existence of the multiverse.

Posted by charlene at 8:46 PM | | Comments | links to this post

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

..faith


anyways, just a quick thought.. i won't worry my life away. i'm happy being alone when it comes without relationships...well maybe not 'happy' but i'm on my way........you come to a point when you just get TIRED. tired of feeling jealous, sad, mopey, depressed, lonely, and sorry for yourself. you just get tired of feeling bad.. "why am i alone?" "why has no one come along?" so instead of asking those same questions that lead me nowhere i'm gonna start asking new ones and start concentrating on what i got right in front of me....ME!.. ..i'd also like to mention a little thing called faith... now i know there are many of you out there who have various opinions concerning faith but i find it very important in my life and a driving force in my life too. im going to have faith that that special someone will come along at some point in my life and it will be great. i'm gonna trust in faith that there is some reason for me not having someone right now...perhaps i should be concentrating on something that would otherwise be overlooked if i was with a significant other. once agian maybe i should be concentrating on ME and what my needs are.....its a very selfsih thing i know to be so "me" oriented but i feel as though these "working years" are meant for the "self". these years are, like it or not, going to set us up for the rest of our lives and we must take advantage of this! you know, sometimes you want to tell someone that it'll all be okay, it'll all work out. But you know that's not the case, because other people lack empathy. And you're the only one who has any, because you're almost the only one insane in this world, who holds close to your heart the values of loyalty and dedication, passion and commitment. Not forgetting that concrete confidence in things and people that others don't have. Of course, they've tried telling me i was foolish. Because people like me would end up getting hurt all the time, for putting my heart and soul where i decide to be it in people, or in things. I'm not perfect..i have highly selective empathy when it comes to people who don't interest me..well, i said it's quite contradicting, really. or rather, it's a fact of life. You can't have empathy for everyone. The only thing i hope to become one of those who have a higher level of attempted empathy for others.
alone, alone and alone. i
come to realization that the senses are never so alert as when one was
alone. It's difficult to imagine that i'd have made as many
discoveries.

Posted by charlene at 8:23 PM | | Comments | links to this post

Monday, June 19, 2006

his name is simon wong

there is no love at all course.. no such things as love, please don't get me wrong, but i truly admired.. i am pretty sure i admired him very much. There isn't consist love in him. there's only one word i could define this person from the 1st i met him..i don't know why. Have you ever felt like you're in one of those movies where the guy lead locks eyes with the lead and everything around them just fades into the background? I've never really felt that way before. Of course, I've been attracted to and have had crushes in the past but it is only now that I actually hear fireworks when I see this certain someone. I met him around November last year at my office, he came all the way from East Malaysia, Sibu Sarawak. But even then, I kind of admired this person. I've seen him around even before I met him and I always knew he was a really special guy. Even before the realization that I liked him hit me, he always made me smile. I love listening to him talk because he's just so intelligent -- more than any man (aside from my late daddy) I've ever met.
And he just has these child-like qualities to him that my own child-like self is drawn to. He's gorgeous, he's so man, he's very pleasant, he's quirky in a good way and I would love to get the chance to get to know him better but hello, everyone knows how shy I get when it comes to crushes. You'd think I was 17 and not 26. How embarrassing. I've been praying to get out of this teenager crush mode and just treat him like a normal guy but I'm still working on that. Today, he is one of those successful Executive Director holding a ERP solution's company, i just got to know his company new website today, it's marvelous.. i remember the first time I heard about this person, i didn't know how he looks like but I knew I had to meet this person. This person was exciting fun funny loving caring and sweet. This person was someone I could always go to when ever I was overwhelmed with things, and I knew that this person would understand what I was going through, and because this person understood it made things just a little bit better. I loved it when this person came to be when they were troubled told me there thoughts and what they were going through, it made me feel that this person needed me because I knew I needed this person. This person always made me smile and I trusted this person because they would never lie to me because they said so themselves. I admired this person so much just because this person was themselves. I cared so much for this person how could this person let me down. It was has if I turned around and everything was different , I felt that I was slowly drifting away from this person. So I said to myself that I wouldn’t let them slip away from me, that since I admired this person I would do anything to keep this person. But I guess I wasn’t strong enough to keep this person as they slowly drifted away, Now this person will go on with their life never knowing how much I cared, but this person will always have a place in my heart and I will always be here for that person no matter what. it has been total half a year we have lost contact, something was happened due to my company issues and methinks he misunderstood me, you've got me wrong, whenever i does is all for my company good view, i must obey.. i hope you know that. Sometimes I wish that I couldn't fell anything, no pain no sorrow no guilt. But then if you don't feel anything you won't feel any of the good things, like joy happiness love. But if you feel more pain then you do joy then it suddenly doesn't feel worth it, having to endure so much pain for little joy. Pain is part of life though, and with that your must deal with it find comfort in those you trust. But comfort is not what I want, and I can never get what I want, the simplest thing my heart desires, I can never have. Maybe I wasn’t as strong as I thought I was, maybe I'm not strong enough to fight. But you have to stay strong no matter what because the fight insist over and you have so much more to give so much more to find out so much more to be..but, believe me i will find my way to tell you that what you thought of me was wrong, i have my reasons..to tell you the truth, i have never felt like admiring a person someone like simon..ever.
What do u do when u discover that your just not strong
enough?
I'm the kind of girl who always fights, and doesn't easily give
up.

Posted by charlene at 8:58 PM | | Comments | links to this post

Sunday, June 18, 2006

this got me thinkin'


so, i've been doing a lot of thinking and talking with my family on this trip, which was why it was completely timely moreover there's nothing really much to see while you're driving to and from destinations, but it beats sitting in a air-plane especially because it's your own space, and you're with your family, who love you, and whom you love dearly. There was a lot of lighthearted conversation and enlightening talk, which i enjoyed immensely. I told them about the situation at work, and they told me that if i wanted to remain adequate, i should do whatever it takes to make sure i'm good enough in my own eyes. The way they believe in me, the way they think i can do anything possible if i only wanted it, is amazing.

you know sometimes they have this faith in me that astounds me. I have no idea how i'm supposed to live up to all they ever think of me but somehow, they always tell me that i surpas their expectations in most ways. Almost every way. What would we be if not for our family? my parents are the reason i am. And there's no way any child can fully comprehend the multitude of thoughts and concerns parents go through on her behalf. There's no way any child can fully appreciate her parents. At least, not this one. Methinks i've found the next thing i should be working towards. I've been so lost in busyness that i've lost focus of everything in life and forgotten that all in life that matters is the purpose i'm living for, my parents, kids, the kids, and all the people who look to me for some kind of comfort. Although i'm not sure how muh of that i am to most people around me.

"i am beginning to think that sweat the small
stuff because things that really matter will always be more important.
Things like family, some friends, my role in my life, career, everything.
I'm glad i didn't take too long to see how this was true."

am or do i make sense?..

Posted by charlene at 10:21 AM | | Comments | links to this post

cont..d ~ some more piccies later part

sawatika the 1st welcome~!

dinner @ james bond club




and the rest of the piccies...

Posted by charlene at 9:52 AM | | Comments | links to this post

cont..d









Posted by charlene at 8:59 AM | | Comments | links to this post

another piccies









Posted by charlene at 8:39 AM | | Comments | links to this post

@ patong beach










more piccies tomorrow..

Posted by charlene at 12:12 AM | | Comments | links to this post

Saturday, June 17, 2006

some more piccies~!

the sis & I @ james bond island

with the brother, lunch@ james bond island


sawatika
bfast with the sis

infront of the temple- 2 piccies


with the brother

Posted by charlene at 11:19 PM | | Comments | links to this post

sawatica~! part III

with another dancer

sawatika to the McD..& the rest of the piccies..










Posted by charlene at 10:23 PM | | Comments | links to this post

sawatika~! part II










the piccies bout places, scenery, weather, food and ppl..

Posted by charlene at 9:53 PM | | Comments | links to this post

sawatika~!

days trip: 4
weather: partly sunny and rainy days most of the time
air flight: air asia
language: thai, mandarin and hokkien
cameraman: the brother

i am back from Phuket, Thailand~! :)...i must said Air Asia offered the most competitive prices. I am really enjoyin' the trip. Nuff said~! confused.confused & confused, they called it at 100 baht which is equivalent to RM10, funny was i always got myself confused whenever i purchase a stuff but guess the thaidnees should have known.. well, the patong & racha was everything we'd hoped for and more. Best two hours must have been when we took the quadbikes out for a major offroad spin, enjoyin' the beautiful beaches and more fun was we gotta watch the A gogo aka Agua show yesterday night..fun~! We spent the entire time immersed in each others' company and although I was sad we only had a few days and when i think i've got tons of office work to do, mumsie reminded me that it was only the beginning of something wonderful... we visited wat chalong temple, viewpoints over-looking the beaches, called phang nga bay and drove through Phuket town. In the evening, we walked down the infamous Bang-La Road, where it was lined with bars, bars and more bars, and the occassional tailor that gurantees a suit can be made in 24 hours. We sat at a bar, beer in hand, watching groups of sexy women dancing on the platform...wait a minute~! they are all mens man!! Coming up the day 2, we decided to do the phi phi and james bond island tour, since there wasn't anything else to do anyway. I mean, we go all the way to phuket, we'd be darn cheesed off if i didn't at least bake for another day! Had another greasy breakfast before heading out to our tour destinations.....so the boat ride there was absolutely horrendous! .....the sea was incredibly choppy, so alot of us felt a bit seasick! Even a regular like me felt a bit queesy. We fed monkeys, snorkelled, fed fishes, and baked in the sun. We then headed to racha beach, t'was just another 2 hours drive..tired but fun..lovingly beaches.. Dinner, then Patong nightlife were great!..we ended up eating lots of authentic good food..Same ol she-males, just new outfits...just in case you are wondering, i didn't even see a traffic lights over in Phuket's road, then again i love the Thai people, they are not like us, cutting the traffic line with nobody business, the thai ppl are nice, well manner very polite..i like getting to know nice people.....this trip was excellent, marvelous..and guess what, we know a couple of our hotel roomate like they were from Korean, japan, taiwan, hongkies..nice holiday overall, nice friend, good holiday..like what arglene's email, i deserved it..yeah~!

Posted by charlene at 7:24 PM | | Comments | links to this post

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

piccies of the day~!


bfast at Bon cafe @ swiss garden
yeah~! papa, we're out for a trip to Phuket, we'll miss you, we know you'll protect us whenever we go even if you are now far..far away, even we'll never ever see you again, but you are in our heart forever sincerely..."Happy father's day" to you papa from the far ..and far away from you. - charlene outta :)

Posted by charlene at 12:45 AM | | Comments | links to this post

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

life's like latte..

with the gangs again @ dinner @ purple cane


at least i realized. i really did. whenever when i think about instances in life when you get a glimpse of what it really feels like to be in someone else's shoes. The worst/best part was that I didn't even have to try. Most of the times, I try and force myself to see someone else's view, and emphatise with their situations and pleas for sympathy. Why? Because I should, it's the right thing to do. You know, people need to learn for themselves. There's no way you can achieve anything by protecting people from experiences, although you do it because you truly care for them. So god speed, god bless, etc.In another instance in this eventful day in the life of sarah, I realize that I am very much, able to be happy for the people who have had the opposite effect in my life. I am surprised to find myself smiling upon hearing of their good news-es, and can't help but be really proud of their achievements..well, i suppose the past has become that, the past. And really, I've these people to thank for making, forcing me to go through all the bitterness and learning from them and just, basically, living my life. So thanks, all the best. God speed, god bless, etc...okie, am off to Phuket, started packing...:)

Posted by charlene at 7:34 PM | | Comments | links to this post

Monday, June 12, 2006

the grey





so, samuel & titi actually called up this morning and wished me for my trip to Phuket, Thailand. It's always so nice when you get treated and cared by ppl you know of..thankies guys~! love you guys okay~! :) ha~! those are our weekend piccies @ karaoke..i love karaoke because i know i'll be singing like crazy..haha~!

a total different thought altogether..it's really getting hard to believe that anyone has but devious intentions when they actually say something good about me. Is it really so hard for you to believe in yourself again, they ask me..am not sure, I say. Maybe someday I will, maybe I never will. It's hard to say that I've achieved anything spectacular within the past year, and a little more...what i can said here is "grey" exists not because there is a place for compromise, or confusion, but because people have failed to choose to stand on either side, black or white. My point is, i attempted this composition trying to establish i am someone in whom contradictions exist, but i found i could not keep up my end of the argument. I was going to say i could be a very sentimental person, or i could be highly unsentimental. and that is a contradiction, isn't it? making a statement like that has effectively put me in the grey area, where i have failed to decide where i stood in terms of emotional dependence.

however, as i was thinking about the times i'd been sentimental, i realized it was with regard to people or things that i held close to my heart. It was quite obvious that i was a sentimental person for the things that did not matter, sentimentality was a non issue. People can only be sentimental about things they care for. Unless i was being unsentimental about something i really cared for, i couldn't really say i was an unsentimental person. Of course, not choosing is, in itself, choice, but the topic is really on the existence of "grey", rather than wehther one has taken a decisionor not. Now, what is my point?.........Alright, today's work life were pretty smooth all in all, i met a french client for the whole afternoon, discussing about our project plan and he actually speaks very fluent mandarin, the fact that i talked to him in chinese as well..all he had to know is to keep communicate with me because he took the opportunities to speak with me, this chinese lady..;)

Posted by charlene at 8:37 PM | | Comments | links to this post

royal moment visited our country

ROYAL MOMENT: Emperor Akihito and Empress Michiko posing with the Yang di-Pertuan Agong Tuanku Syed Sirajuddin Syed Putra Jamalullail and Permaisuri Agong Tuanku Fauziah Tengku Abdul Rashid before a banquet in Istana Negara Malaysia, Kuala Lumpur Saturday night. Earlier, Japan's royal couple had visited Kuala Kangsar.


Posted by charlene at 7:52 PM | | Comments | links to this post

Sunday, June 11, 2006

am ugly, different but am caring~!

it's a rainy Sunday morning @ 6am.
......................................................................

48 hours to go "sawatika"...the fun is going to come soon...so, i was supposed to sleep and get well rested but somehow i didn't...went for an early breakfast with the brother and we had @ Dim Sum..you must try Dim Sum early in the morning, you'll feel good...a hot cuppa "chinese tea" with the "ha gao", "siew mai", "lor mei kei" ..various delicious..yummy~! :) aside from the accomplishment of the early part of the morning. I sat infront of the notebook..starting to write something about me, myself and I. Alright, methinks i have always wished that I am able to express myself more effectively. People who know me should know that generally, I keep to myself a lot. Not exactly introverted, because I still enjoy the company of my friends, even if I don't show it.

you know, it is frustrating sometimes, since I am not the type of a girl who would go to people directly for help, partly out of pride, partly because I realize that I'm not the only person who has issues. I have a tendency to write rather abstractly sometimes, as a result of not being voluntarily forthright, to the extent that more often than none nobody has any idea what I am writing about. It's a test, I joke sometimes, not for me but for someone else, that whoever understands what I write would understand me, and ppl have to care in the first place to want to find out the underlying meanings. Rather, I do find some pleasure in such, because I believe the depth of someone's character and personality belies their outward appearances and everything else superficial. If everyone could be understood easily at first glance, what would be so interesting and challenging about knowing people and understanding them in the first place? but still, having someone around to share our lives together is still something I look forward to eventually, even if now is not going to be the time, or so I keep telling myself. I was flipping through a chinese book and on one page it said that,

"before you should even attempt to seek something, you must first believe in its existence, and thus know that whatever it is that you seek, is definitely something tangible and real."